1. Who did you last get angry with? I don't really get angry that much...
2. What is your weapon of choice? Is sarcasm a weapon?
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? I have accidentally a few times.
4. How about of the same sex? I don't think I'd ever have a reason to
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? My mom
6. What is your pet peeve? When people blow me off. Just tell me if I piss you off, seriously.
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? Nah I don't keep grudges. That would make life quite hell-ish.
SLOTH
1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time? Showered. I'm SO kidding. Probably exercised.
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? 10:00 A.M. I'm a really early riser.
3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't? Uhmmm....I don't know.
4. What is the last lame excuse you made? "IT WAS AN ACCIDENT" (regarding the RASH and all...you know...)(I joke)
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through? I starred in my own infomercial for my patented workout program. "Gettin' Jiggy Wit' Grace". Yeah...it didn't sell too well...
6. When was the last time you got a good workout in? Yesterday...it was an accident...
7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? I don't use one in summer...but I still wake up at six.
GLUTTONY
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? It WAS chocolate brownie frap, but NEVERMIND.
2. Meat eaters, white meat or dark? White
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? Like...a sip.
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? Not that I can recall...
5. Do you have an issue with your weight? Nah not really. I'm average sized. It works for me. I figure if I ever do need to get in perfect shape for my career of actress/musician/cartoonist/director/backup dancer, I'll just pay someone to get me in shape for me.
6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy? It depends on my mood, i suppose...
7. Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, "LUNCH!"? Yes. YES I HAVE. So I'm a carnivore, what's it to you?
LUST
1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? None.
2. How many people have seen YOU naked? Even MORE none.
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a man/woman? Maybe once or twice...not really intentionally...it was just THERE.
4. Have you "done it"? I don't know...HAVE YOU?
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? Ha, eyes.
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? Not that I can recall...
7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? Nope
GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own? zero
2. What's your guilty pleasure store? Buffalo Exchange and Zia (vicky stole mine)
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? Buy stuff for the people I care about...and buy my own recording studio...and some really nice guitars....yep. Oooh, and I'd buy lots of Scooby Doo mac and cheese.
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous? I'd rather be happy.
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? Nope.
6. Have you ever stolen anything? I stole gum from circle K when I was 4.
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive? Bunches...
PRIDE
1. What one thing have you done that you're most proud of? Made it this far.
2. Whats one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? N/A
3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life? I want to fall head-over-heels in love, as cliched as it sounds.
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? Nah, not really.
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? Yeahh...Elementary school field day. They couldn't TOUCH me in basketball dribble.
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? Not that I recall...
7. What did you do today that you're proud of? I didn't run away.
ENVY
1. What item (or person) of your friend's would you most want to have for your own? I want Eddie's geetar. That's just untouchable though.
2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with? ...Morgan. 'Cept I'd just have her do my place and make it all cool, I'd just screw hers up.
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? Well, if Dr. Peel from the Avengers was a real person...I'd be her. But she's not. So I'd be Stacy Dupree in a heartbeat.
4. Have you ever been cheated on? Nope
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? Haven't we all?
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? mmMMmm?
7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey? Not particularly.
8. Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin? Lust...NATURALLY.
The rhythm of the guitar in the Jackson 5's "I Want You Back" makes me lose all control over my body (not bodily functions...weird kid who was thinking that...) and I have to dance. I just have to. YOU try to control yourself.
When the morning sunlight creeps in through the blinds, it makes me smile and think of childhood.
Photobucket takes a long time to load. *whistles*
When the Beast from Beauty and the Beast turns into a man, he looks like he should be on the cover of one of those crappy romance novels you see at Savers for 49 cents. Aladdin was pretty hot, though. I would do him. He's no Trent from Daria though. Trent is a cartoon god.
I want to be Dr. Peel from The Avengers. VERY BADLY.
It is a waste of time to bring DVDs to my dad's house. No matter what movies I bring, they always end up being on TV. This time around I brought The Avengers, Bruce Almighty, Edward Scissorhands, and Star Wars Episode II. So for TODAY everything but The Avengers has been on TV. It's 10:30 in the morning.
I'm going to be famous someday. I don't know why, but I am.
So, the plan is as follows:
Vicky comes over tonight. We partay and go crazy (eating ice cream and watching movies and falling asleep on the couch).
Tomorrow morning: Wake up early. Drop Miles and Julie off at school. Go for coffee. Scottsdale Museum of Contemporary Art 'til lunch.
Lunch: Sugar Bowl or P.F. Changs?
Post-Lunch: Observing stores that we can't afford anything from
Afternoon: Pick up kids from school. Pick up cake (CHEESECAKE?) from A.J.'s.
Evening: Morgan, Felicia, maybe Andy and Leanne come for fun! Cake and Cranium, what could be better?
How is it that there is so much aspiration in me, so much I want to touch and taste and feel, but my resources feel so limited? There's just this bottle inside me filled with dreams and thoughts that make me feel like I could just float out of my chair and into the atmosphere, and it slowly and occasionally opens up inside me, but never externally. It's not negative, because it feels wonderful inside. It's equivalent to thinking of the most beautiful, expressive words you've ever thought of, but then coming to realize you have no mouth. I am being told that accomplishments and experiences will come with time. When I'm older. Always when I'm older. What happens if I keep getting older and older and I continue merely searching for some semblance of creative satisfaction, and never achieving it? I am aware that a large part of life is searching. I am quite sure I will be searching for something until the day I die. There are some things I'd like to find, though.
I want to be able to inspire myself with the things I create.
My birthday is in 3 days. Yup yup. That's cool, I guess. It's just strange, I feel like I should be older than what I am. I don't necessarily have a longing to be older, I do tend to enjoy whatever age I am at any given time, I just feel like I should be older. Hm.
I painted the kitchen yesterday. It looks purdy. My muscles ache. I got some ice cream out of the deal though, so it's all good.
Morgan is going to manage our band. Next step: band name. Oh yeah, and MAYBE actually get everybody together, whatevah.
I really like the movie Josie and the Pussycats. I don't care what they say about me. That movie is the shit.
Lead Singer: check (I think I could pull it off if I try real hard) (We could do cool harmonies like Eisley because everybody else can sing just as well [or better] as me) (GET EXCITED VICKY! I SAID EISLEY!)
Rhythm/acoustic guitar: check (I could pull that off)
Lead guitar: WANTED (maybe a guy, so we don't end up being something Donna-esque. That would be gross) (Maybe Izaak would do it...hm.) (or..or...M to the IKEE...eep.)
Bass: check (If I can lasso Christie and maybe tie her to...my roof...or something...with her bass...and an amp...yeah...COOL! If the satellite dish stops working we can make her fix it! Ha ha ha. Bass player/SLAVE. Eh, she might not go for that.)
Keyboard/backup singer: check (Kristie #2 [That may get confusing] who CAN sing really well too and who DOESN'T sound manly and loud and who DID bust out singing Alicia Keys once or twice on the school bus in junior high...)
Drums: check (Isaac and Susie might fight over that. I love them both dearly and cannot decide. I don't know how much Susie likes me though...and Isaac is really cute...PLEASE VOTE IF YOU KNOW THEM. YES.)
Manager: WANTED (Someone with GUSTO)
Whoa. What if we had two K(Ch)risties and two Is(z)aac(k)s? That would be really...I don't know what.
I've been trying to start a band since I was 5. I was precocious.
Band names?
JUNE:
Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and
soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends
to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and
humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer.
Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. Easily
hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom
shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive.
Stubborn.
_________________________________
How come everybody's got a group of friends? I'm just not part of a group. 99% of the time I'm just fine with being alone, but it's that one percent that I wish I had a group of people I just knew would be there for me. I've got individual friends (all of which are wonderful) but they all have other groups that I'm not included in. This is jealous, selfish rambling, but where better to ramble than the vast confines of cyberspace? Yeah. Every once in a while, I would just like to be the one who is called and invited. I'd like to have my company pursued. I'd like to belong somewhere.
But I don't.
And I'm annoying.
And I'm aware of this.
How come everyone else just naturally gets together every day, while I stay here alone to write shitty songs that sound like something everyone's already heard? Even when I exert the effort?
I won't bring it up again. Just like everything else.
My mom let me drive the van this morning. I think I'm a better driver than she is, which makes me question my overall safety up until this point.
So, I've known Fox since I was in 6th grade. He was basically the only reason I ever went to church in junior high. I then decided that religion was not my shtick, and stopped going to church. I recently realized that my church is not all about strict Jesus "EAT THE BIBLE!" cast-out-the-sinners fun, it's about expressing one's individual beliefs, celebrating diversity, and living life to its greatest potential. I'm all for that. I'm happy with my unconventional beliefs of god, and it's accepted there. Don't worry, I'm not putting "HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS" stickers all over my face or anything. Anyway, Fox declared today that once he graduates he wants to be a traveling beatnick.
*sigh* <3
I was at this mongolian grill resturaunt (I don't think I spelled that correctly...we'll say..."dining facility") and there was a kid there who looked like Andy Dick...except he had longer hair and a Weezer shirt. I didn't know what to make of him, I just thought it was interesting.
I painted my nails tonight. Pink. Why? Maybe I just like the smell, I don't know.
Oh oh oh, I had an odd dream about someone I know. Attempting to interpret the dream did nothing but tell me things I already know. In the dream I was living in one of our old houses, the one we lived in when I was 5 in Mesa. This person drove all the way out to that house to wish me a happy birthday, but then they stabbed me with a chopstick (the chopstick, I'm sure, had nothing to do with anything). Ow. So then for some reason I attempt to get a hug before their departure, but they run out the door and drive away. Then I cry. Apparently it wasn't an IMMEDIATELY fatal wound. Then I woke up sad.
I stepped outside today, and saw a small bird writhing on my front porch. It was dying. My natural reaction was to suddently turn back into the five-year-old I once was, because that's where I go when I deal with death. I felt weak and powerless because I couldn't do a god damn thing to help the creature. All I could do was watch it die. In it's last few moments it twisted its body around, as if there was some hope that if it kept moving, somehow it would beat itself and continue living.
I picked it up with a shovel, and gave it a proper burial in my front yard. It was all I could do.
Now it just makes me think of the miscarrriage my mom had when I was 5. She explained it to me in a way that I could understand, comparing herself and the never-to-be-born baby to birds. She told me the egg broke. I originally thought that the baby wasn't to be born on purpose, because I thought that my mom didn't like me and she was worried the baby would be like me.
So, I'm now officially a member of the Sherri DuPree fan club. I am a lemming, and I think I like it, in this case. Psssh Weston, what were you thinking, Vicky?
I like Shelby.
I like having friends to talk to. I like to talk about things of substance every once in a while, you know, instead of gossiping about everyone else behind their backs like I usually do (you know me.).
Gia is a super amazing movie. There's a scene where "Gia" (Angelina Jolie) and "Linda" (some chick whose name I don't' know) are standing in the hallway outside of Linda's apartment. They're in love, but Linda has a boyfriend (yeah, go see the movie), and Gia says "You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen," and then she kisses her, and then she says "Come with me..?" and it was the absolute cutest thing I think I have EVER seen. I totally want to do that to someone, I don't really care who. Hee hee. I don't know if Anthony would want to hear that he's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen though, because that's a lie (sorry, A-man).
Yeah, that's all I've got for now.
Oh, that, and Eddie and Marisa are really really cute.
On the back of the box. Among the vast amounts of information I have collected over the course of my short life, I have come to realize something about people. Many MANY people try to hide their immaturity by acting more mature than what they are. I'm screwed up. I do the exact opposite without really meaning to.
I can't seem to break that though. I have a hard time letting who I am show. I am perpetually goofy and immature with friends. Believe it or not, that doesn't suit me as well as one would think. I'm perpetually a parent and an adult at home. That does suit me, sometimes.
I started my book yesterday. As in, I started on the book that I'm writing. I'm really happy with what I've got so far, which is currently a measly eight pages, but it's pretty interesting if you ask me.
If anybody wants a synopsis of what I plan to write, and what I have so far, email me. I really want some feedback.
I think it kinda sucks when people stop caring. Actually, that's probably the worst thing, when people stop caring. I can't talk my way out of apathy, and I am one smooth talker.
Marching season began today. My arms are ready to fall off, and I've been continuously cursing the day I chose to play that god damn trumpet. Why do I do it? Yeah. I'm not quite sure either. Wait, yes I am, nevermind. I do have a good reason for doing it.
I miss you. I also miss you...and you, and you, and you, and even you a little too. Yup.
It's right between "euphorbiaceous" and "euphrasy" in the dictionary.
euphoria- (n.) a feeling of well being; especially, in psychology, an abnormal feeling of buoyant vigor.
So I'm euphoric. What's it to ya?
Wait, wait...or maybe I'm euphorbiaceous...
[Psst...intermission...this is a breif update, my grandma is in the psych ward at Trumble Memorial hospital as of Friday, and I've decided I want to vandalize the sign of the store "Phillipene-Asian Seafood Market" on 29th Ave. and Bell to say "Phillipene-Asian Market" (ha ha ha)...more on those later...]
Grab that popcorn, and on with the show!
I saw Mean Girls (I LOVE TINA FEY!) (uh oh, the secret's out.)
I saw most of Kill Bill last night.
I discovered the epitome of a relationship.
I felt more comfortable than I can EVER remember feeling.
I laughed...more often than I usually do (didn't think it was possible, huh?)
I loved.
I took one last sip of water before I went to bed, and in that, tried to remember and savor the taste of his lips.
I succeeded.
(Also, I felt bad because I couldn't hang out with Vicky and I really wanted to play Creep for her, and I'm going to be over at her house stalking her the next chance I get. I also felt bad because Lilli might have not been able to see her lovah last night. Sad face.)
1. Peach soda
2. Mikee's jacket
3. Chester (my guitar)(hello, get with the picture.)
4. Lava lamps
5. My lime green high tops from 4th grade
6. My brother and sister
7. Love
8. Indie comics
9. Cheesecake (ohhh...orgasmic.)
10. Anthony
11. Grocery store samples
12. Jimmy Fallon
13. Sticky notes
12 Movies(in no order)
1. Rear Window
2. High Anxiety
3. 12 Angry Men
4. The Mummy
5. Contact
6. Blues Brothers
7. Airplane
8. The World According to Garp
9. When Harry Met Sally
10. Little Shop of Horrors
11. Thomas Crowne Affair
12. Young Frankenstein
11 Good Bands/Artists(no order)
1. RADIOHEAD
2. Coldplay
3. Fastball
4. The Beatles
5. David Wilcox
6. The Rolling Stones
7. Blues Traveler
8. The Smiths
9. Stevie Ray Vaughn
10. B.B. King
11. John Lee Hooker
10 Things About You...physically
1. Dark blue eyes
2. 5'4''
3. Ridiculously small hands
4. Ridiculously small feet
5. Ridiculously small ears
6. Freckles
7. Brown hair (with natural red-ish streaks, in the right light)
8. I have a nose...
9. Pale skin
10. Um...I wear a watch...?
8 Favorite Foods/Drinks
1. Toast
2. Lucky Charms
3. Chocolate Brownie Frappachinos (Rrrr..)
4. Gummy bears (just not the lemon or orange ones)
5. A bunch of different sodas mixed together
6. Cheesecake
7. BLTs
8. Peaches
7 Things You Wear Daily
1. My watch
2. Cooler shoes than everyone else
3. Clothes...
4. My purple and red ribbons (I just don't take them off)
5. My gun (so kidding.)
6. Deoderant..?
7. That hump on my back.
6 Things That Annoy You
1. Writer's block
2. MTV
3. Low carb EVERYTHING
4. Really slutty clothes
5. Ignorance
6. Crime...yup.
5 Things You Touch Everyday
1. My journal
2. My guitar (thank god I can now)
3. My sketchbook
4. Doors
5. Food
4 Shows You Watch
1. SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE!!!
2. Whose Line is it Anyway?
3. Iron Chef (it's so frickin' funny)
4. Conan O' Brian
3 "Celebrities" You Have a Crush On
1. Hayden Christensen (He's mine, bitches.)
2. Jimmy Fallon
3. Jason Mraz
So, I might be afraid of perfection. This could be a problem. So other than my fear of perfection, this could be perfect.
I received my first "technical" kiss last night.
I think I can still taste it.
In conclusion, no, not everything about me is beautiful. I have flaws and problems, many of which I'm just as proud of (maybe more proud of) as the beautiful things. Last night though, before I went to bed, I looked in the mirror, and I felt beautiful. That's what you do to me.
Yesterday was lovely. I had a date with the most handsome guy (Miles) to take in a film and grab a bite to eat. He was so excited to get to ride the city bus for the first time, and all the way to the theater he re-enacted scenes from the first Shrek movie, perhaps to better prepare himself to see the second one. Miles had his first Icee at the theater (can you believe my mom's never let the poor kid have an Icee?) and he danced to the music during the credits. Then, he was kind enough to accompany me to the fine dining experience known as Quizno's subs. Turns out, there's a music store in the same plaza as that Quizno's, so naturally, we went in for a few minutes. My mom's deal with me was that I could get my guitar back once I learned 12 kid songs to play for the kids. I found just such a book, made just such a purchase, and hopped on just such a bus with my handsome date. Long story short, Chester is mine once again!!! I played for about 4 hours last night, and already have 3 new songs in the works. I hate having to suppress my creativity.
Take me out tonight
where there's music and there's people
who are young and alive
driving in your car
I never never want to go home
because I haven't got one anymore
Take me out tonight
because I want to see people
and I want to see life
driving in your car
oh please don't drop me home
because it's not my home, it's their home
and I'm welcome no more
And if a double-decker bus
crashes in to us
to die by your side
is such a heavenly way to die
and if a ten ton truck
kills the both of us
to die by your side
well the pleasure, the privilege is mine
Take me out tonight
take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
and in the darkened underpass
I thought Oh god, my chance has come at last
but then a strange fear gripped me
and I just couldn't ask
Take me out tonight
oh take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
driving in your car
I never never want to go home
because I haven't got one
no, I haven't got one
And if a double-decker bus
crashes in to us
to die by your side
is such a heavenly way to die
and if a ten ton truck
kills the both of us
to die by your side
well the pleasure, the privilege is mine
There is a light that never goes out
There is a light that never goes out
There is a light that never goes out
There is a light that never goes out
I really really like hanging out with Anthony. We sat around and talked for a while, I got me some gummy bears, so naturally I was quite congenial. He makes me laugh, really laugh, like almost spat my drink all over the table laugh. I think I might be "smitten".
If you are a passenger on a miniature train, people will ALWAYS wave at you. "Wow, that person's on a mini-train, that makes me want to be their friend. Desperately."
If you are that one girl in preschool who does the whole "I'll show you mine if you show me yours," deal...with every boy in your class...it still doesn't mean you're a slut, because you were 3...
Whoever wrote the jingle for "the clapper" is either a genius, or deserves to be shot. I can't decide.
Ulisses ruins jokes.
If you are a female televangelist, you must have large, slightly purple hair.
The movie "Magnificent Obsession" (1954) is so horrible, it's breathtaking. A playboy, who is in love with a widow, causes a chain of events that renders her blind (a car lightly taps the door of her cab in front of a crappy green-screen street scene, and she bruises her brain after a dramatic late fall) so he decides, spur of the moment, that he'll become a surgeon and pretend to be "Rob Robertson" because she can't see him. They fall in love, and he fixes her eyes. Yeah.
If you listen to only Radiohead for a month and a half, you will experience a slight depression.
I have ridiculously small hands.
and ears.
If you're lucky, you can get a kick-ass deal and buy a couch at Savers for $35.
If you're not lucky, you can get stabbed by a hobo and hit by a bus.
I really really like to hear Anthony laugh.
If you wear a watch, every day, for 7 years, you will get a little strip of pure white skin on your wrist. This will cause you to leave your watch on more, because people talk...
After a while, if you always respond with "I ate him/her" when people ask where someone is, people will stop listening. Too bad for them when it actually happens...
What if flattery to one person feels like pity to another?
Totally went to Wal-mart today. I bought the Joss Stone CD (mmm, soul), SPIN magazine (mmm, music), and a lovely new shirt (mmm, cleavage). Is that not the coolest thing ever, that I buy clothes at Wal-mart? I think so. It's almost as good as Savers, but just a little too fashionable.
It's strange. I think everybody has weird moments of severe focused attention, but it's still strange. I space out sometimes, and flashback to a random memory, sometimes good, sometimes not so good. It tends to be just little things from the past. We were sitting at breakfast this morning, and a random memory popped into my head, one of my absolute favorites that actually took place as recently as March. You know the type of occurences that send chills down your spine, and causes the uber cliched butterflies in the stomach? It was one of those. Absolutely miniscule, but wonderful.
In conclusion, damn those soulful brown eyes, and mischievious smile. Damn.
Baz0okaT0oth: Who is Gene Kelly?
Graceinspace07: Famous song and dance man of the late fifties-early sixties musical era.
Graceinspace07: Ugh. I'm a pop culture text book.
Baz0okaT0oth: haha
Baz0okaT0oth: I'm more of a pop up book
"Where have you been?"
"In the cafeteria, eating my feelings..."
I've been sleeping less, I've been eating less, I feel sick most of the time, although I don't show it. If my life was as romantic as those of the people I read about, I would say I was sick with unrequited love. I've been living much more in my head and less in my surroundings. It's not healthy, and I know it. I haven't written a song in two weeks. I've become inhibited in my own paper journal, crossing out every other sentence, maybe out of shame, or maybe just to make the page comprable to the way I'd assume my intellectual insides look, all scribbled out and illegible. I get caught up in thoughts of the future, and I worry that I will never achieve what I'm looking for. At this point I'm barely sure of what that is.
I'm typical.
Reliable.
Predictable.
Understandable.
I'm every person, plagued with mixed emotions.
I want to smother someone in love. I want to write about this passion in permanant ink on the white walls of every and any room.
There is the crushing realization, though, that nothing is permanant. Permanance is outlasted by truth.
You know there's a problem when I can't tell if I'm apathetic or over-emotional. I replace clear communication with sarcasm and laughter.
You're an Etch-a-Sketch!! You're the creative, artsy type who doesn't need to actually utilize a single muscle group in order to have fun. Doesn't matter though, you're still cool.
So I'm at my dad's house, and we decided to rent a few movies, you know, cool kid stuff like that. Background info: father's TV is sorta broken. When it gets stuck on a channel it takes about 10 minutes to fix the problem.
We watched a movie. It ended. I turned off the DVD player. The TV was stuck. ON LESBIAN PORN. My dad's trying to change the channel and it wouldn't work, so I basically watched a lesbian porno today with my dad.
Here's how it went down:
Me:(not quite as interested as he is) Um, I think I'll just go read for a few minutes while you get this fixed...
Him:(fiddling with remote) no, no, it's okay, I think I almost got it. Just stay here, I'll have it in a minute.
Me: Oh... (awkward awkward awkward...)
(10 minutes later)
Him: Look, it's fixed. (changes channel)
Yeah...so I didn't really want that cultural experience today...
"SHUT UP! IT'S MY TURN TO TELL A POINTLESS STORY!!!"
Hmm, shall I indulge in sharing the trivial details of my day-to-day life once more? I almost got all introspective and poignant for a while there, but all the cool kids are doing that these days.
Well, that kid had to kiss me yesterday. Hm.
Oh yes, how could I forget? This scene took place on the stairs in the gym, while running before P.E. The characters are "The new girl", "Grace", and "Lilli". (P.S. the new girl just happens to be African-American; this is in no way me being racist, but it does lead to the overall clarity of the scene.)
The new girl: (while starting to sit down on the stairs) Hoo, break time! AMEN!
Lilli: (from behind, while running with me) Haleluja!
The new girl: SHUT UP WHITEY!
We thought it was awfully funny.
I have been laughing more lately. I mean full-fledged roll-on-the-ground laughing. It's nice.
Oy. That damn happy song just 'aint so happy anymore. See, I wrote it just for the sake of having a happy song in my repertoir, but I didn't think anyone would like it that much. I'm thinkin' maybe I'll write a new happy song that I really like to replace the current one. I hope my fans won't be crushed. There had to be at least 30 people yesterday who either said "Was that you on the video announcements?" or "Great job on the announcements!"
I was really tempted to reply with "Nope, that was James Brown." or something like that. I didn't though. You know, it's good that I'm gettin' the music out there. I'm sure that very soon, I will be "discovered" and then I will get a huge record deal, and then converse will send me bunches of free shoes, and then I'll have an official "posse" to follow me around and constantly smell like pot (wait, I'm not going to be Snoop Dog, though), and then I'll appear on talk shows and stuff and everybody will be like "Oh man, that girl's so cool, she's only 15 but we still take her seriously because she's never starred in any sort of a Disney production," and then I'll be on VH1 divas, and then I will date some really hot actor guys, or maybe tennis players (that seems to be a trend these days), and then I will open my own restaraunt and start my own clothing line and sell bottles of water with my face on it for outrageous prices, and then I will get caught up in the drugs and booze and sex, and I will get in a huge fight with the Olsen twins or something, and then no one will care. Then, I will be on "Where are they now?" in the year 2018 and I will have my revival and tour the country a whole bunch with the continuous threat of it being my "farewell tour" just like Cher...minus the plastic surgery...and wigs...and "Moonstruck".
That song is driving me INSANE. You know which one.
I have a love/hate relationship with the night. It seems that almost every night recently (and by recently, I mean about the past month) I will wake up early in the morning plagued with thoughts and unanswered questions. It will be about two or three in the morning, and completely at random I will wake up with something like "What if I die tomorrow?" or "Is love real, or is it merely a state of mind?" or "What will the price of a Hershey bar be in the year 2200?" Then, naturally, I have to write about these random thoughts.
I love that I can ponder things like that. I love that I am not ignorant or simple-minded and I have the will and the ability to question my surroundings.
I've participated in many a discussion pertaining to fate vs. free will. There's the idea that an individual's existence is predetermined and filled with what is destined to happen. The life and times of (fill in name here) written in the stars billions of years ahead of time. This then brings up the topic of what and/or who controls destiny, which then turns the discussion to deities, and then naturally to religion (don't they all end up there?). There is also the side that states that an individual is in relative control of their own destiny. With which, one's choices directly affect his/her immediate future. The future is formed by the movements chosen to fill the past, and the direction chosen in the present. Free will.
I'd love to get some opinions.
As many opinions as are out there.
So it's Cinco de Mayo. I didn't see creepy stalker rapist man this morning. I think I scared him away.
For any who are uninformed, and those who love the story:
This man, maybe in his late fifties, walks in the morning while I'm jogging. He lives about 5 houses down the street from me. Apparently he's been watching me, (creepy) he knows my name (more creepy) and he's invited me to his house to play guitar with him (he claims he plays guitar, but cannot tell me what type of music or what type of guitar). This information was kindly revealed to me during an afternoon walk home while he was out in his driveway.
Here is our first early morning excercise conversation:
Him: Goodmorning!
Me: Goodmorning.
Him: I didn't know you excercised in the mornings!
Me: Yup.
Him: Well you obviously don't need it! You've got a great body!
Me: That's a little uncalled for...
Him: Well it's true.
Me: *runs away*
Yeah, got the picture?
So I officially decided that I would scare him away by making him think that I am crazy.
Yesterday morning:
Him: Goodmorning!
Me: Hello.
Him: How are you?
Me: Fine thanks, and you? ----(being courteous, folks)
Him: Well, I'm great I had a wonderful weekend. On Friday-
Me: *while slowly running off* I can't chat now! I have to prepare for the festival!
Him: What festival?
Me: We're preparing for Cinco de Mayo! I must go! Ma-ma is expecting me! *runs off all crazy-like, much like Phoebe from friends, if you've seen that episode...*
Him: *puzzled look*
I hate when people are mad at me. Today, a friend felt that her trust was betrayed by me. I cried on my walk home.
I keep thinking about what it will be like next year, when we have different classes.
I keep thinking about what has happened with other friends, friends that have drifted away and now barely acknowledge me.
I keep thinking that I will lose another best friend.
I'm scared because summer is approaching and it seems like I've been gradually detaching from everyone. I don't spend any time with my old friends anymore. As far as everybody else goes, I talk to Shelby, Vicky, and Leanne on a regular basis, (all three of which I'm grateful for beyond belief) but barely anyone else recently. Andy says he will be around, which is wonderful, as long as we actually connect at the right time. I'm afraid that I will have no one to turn to this summer, when things get rough at home. I'm very afraid. I think I want...March back. March was an especially good month. Or maybe February...somethin'. I think I've been a bad friend. This cannot persist.
Maybe if I sing loud enough, my head will explode. Wow.
Perhaps...perhaps nothing is ever as it seems. I see someone one way, they see me another, no one likes anyone and everyone wants someone.
So I was talking about a friend of mine (who just happens to be a girl) and this other girl asks me "Well, are you guys just friends..?"
It most definitely sounded like she was asking if we were lovers, so I start cracking up ferociously because the idea is just so absurd. She goes "Well, I didn't know if you were sisters or something, what, do you have a problem with gay people or something?" and naturally, I start laughing more, because that too is also quite absurd. Then she walks away and assumes that laughter is my answer. I've got a girl in my 7th hour who thinks I'm a homophobe. Is that just ironic?
Fate is truly a reality when something so horrible can result in something so positive. That's what I think. Cancer never sleeps, but apparently we do, a little bit.
I think, sometimes, that I should give up. I won't, though. I won't because I don't think I can. I wish I was blind to beauty. Not fake plastic beauty that is sadly so common today, but true beauty. The kind of internal beauty that radiates outward. If I was blind to that, the subtleties wouldn't mean so much. It is a shame though, that I am not blind to faults. I see them, and they look me right back in the eye, a spiteful malediction.
OH MY GOD! I AM THE WINNER!!!
Daniel never did his Unstable Gene voice-over, and everybody just left without a good-bye hug or nuttin'. Oh, the agony.
If this is possible, I am stuck in the middle of being overwhelmed by the beauty of my surroundings, and ovewhelmed by how bleak it all is at the same time. I am a person who needs stability and unpredictable excitement at the same time. I need love and compassion, but need to be ignored at the same time. I need to rely solely on myself, but need the constant validation of others at the same time. I need consistancy and change at the same time. I need nostalgia and dreams of the future at the same time. I am the type of person who needs people here with me, but to be alone at the same time. I feel I need to be unique, but somehow still blend in at the same time. I shed tears but I smile at the same time. I need to interact, but be detached at the same time.
So once more, I am torn between two contradicting elements.
Born June 21st: You are Cancer with Gemini tendencies. You have a sympathetic and generous nature, and an incisive, intellectual mind. You may be famous for your brain, but those close to you know that you are a softie inside. Sometimes your heart and mind are at odds with eachother; emotions affect you more than you like to admit. You have a special touch for getting along with people from all walks of life. You need stimulation and change, and will become discontent if stuck in one place for too long.
Ah, who says astrology is just crazy hoo-ha witchraft and wizardry. This is ME.
Also, according to this book I'm supposedly destined to have MAD HOT sex with Aquarians...who knew? Aquarian..anyone?
*If you could have 5 friends stranded on an island with you, who would they be? ieee...Shelby, Lilli, Andy, Eddie, and Christie
*If you could have only 5 things (not people) what would they be? I would prefer to die happy then live a long but excrutiatingly boring life, so I'd bring a guitar, a huge notebook, a large box of pens, a telescope, and a starbucks.
*What do you think would be the worst way to die? (Ex. drowning, being burned, being hung, cut up into little pieces) I am the hopeless romantic, so naturally the worst way to die would be of a broken heart.
*If you had to pick someone to marry right now, who would it be and why? Is this assuming the person would agree to this? In all factuality I'd say Andy because I see him as a source of stability, among many other things. (hi Andy)
*Will you have sex before you get married? Why or why not? I will. I don't believe it's necessary to wait until marriage. I might be one of those cool people who gets married in their sixties, so there's no way I'm waiting.
*Realistically, do you think you will drink or get drunk before you are 21? Yup. A friend promised me this morning that we'd get drunk together soon. I was like "oh...um, ok,"
*Have you had a nightmare lately? If so, what was it about? Yeah. It was really scary and probably influenced by all of the Holocaust related education I've been receiving lately. All the people I care about were being burned one by one, and as they were walking into the fire they screamed one reason they regretted knowing me. That was actually last night. I was very upset.
*Do you ever have a reoccurring dream? If so, what is it? Ever since I was about 3 I've dreamt about a little boy monster, who was having his friends over for his birthday party, and then the mean daddy monster comes in and kills all the friends and eats the cake. Perhaps it's related to a part of my life...just maybe.
*Have you ever had a dream, and then that exact same thing happened in real life? Deja Vou, huh? Yeah. Crazy.
*Do you have a secret you have never told ANYONE??? If so, what is it? I did until recently.
*What is your absolute favorite song at this very moment? "That Thing You Do" courtesy of Andy.
*What do you think of "inside jokes"? I absolutely adore them, but hate being excluded from them. I'm picky.
*Do you believe in love at first sight? If no, why not? No. It seems awfully artificial. People can be amazing or hideous on the inside, and it's impossible to see that expressed in one glance.
*Have you ever wished upon a star, seriously? If so, what did you wish for? Yes. More than one too many times. I've wished for love and happiness. I've wished for happiness for those I care about. I've wished to stop death. I've wished for too many things to count.
*Do you know a member of the opposite sex who you are comfortable enough with to talk about almost anything? If so, who? No, not ANYTHING, but Travis Christy has been there for me through quite a bit, so I feel more comfortable talking personal things with him then any other guy at this point in time.
*Do you have a friend of the same sex that you could tell almost anything to? Who? I feel comfortable talking to Lilli about anything. She's not judgemental and a wonderful listener. I hope she sees the same thing in me.
*If you found out that you were gonna die tomorrow, is there anything you would want to say or do? In all honesty, I would drop all inhibitions. I'd hug who I want to hug, kiss who I want to kiss, say what I want to say with no fear of the repercussions. I would fill every last moment of the day with happiness, and attempt to do the same for the ones I love.
*Right now, what is your biggest regret? I hate having regrets. I regret allowing myself to become so closed off to emotion. I've isolated myself, and now regaining free love is more difficult than I could have ever imagined.
*Name one person who has seriously changed your life for the better If I may, there are two. Miles and Julie have taught me so much about life.
*For the worse? Not necessarily the worse, but a challenge or two have definitely been proposed. I love my mother with all my heart, hopefully everyone knows this, but I can't say she's made things easier. I see some of these situations as opportunities to make myself a stronger person, and so far it's worked. I've stopped feeling sorry for myself and seeking pity, so in the long run, I should hope that she has changed my life for the better.
*Do you want to have any kids? If so how many and what will you name them? I don't know yet. It's a difficult issue because I've basically been a parent for the past four and a half years. That will be something that is decided when the moment comes.
*Is there something that you totally oppose? I oppose ignorance, racism, hypocracy, judgement based upon looks, discrimination of any kind, abuse ( to animals and humans ), and parents being allowed to have children without a license to do so. I seriously think people should need to apply and test for children licenses. If you need one to own a dog, that only makes sense.
*What is the worst name anyone has ever called you, and who called you that? Ah, no one wants to go into conversations with my mom.
*When did you last cry? What makes you cry? I cried on Thursday night. Really bad problems at home. At least it's better now.
*Have you ever seriously thought about committing suicide? If so, why? Yes. I had too much responsibility and no one to seek help from in 7th grade, I was under the impression that I was a bad person and I deserved to die, I thought that I owed it to people to leave them because I was such a burden. (try and guess where those thoughts came from. Partial explanation for how I am now? Much better than back then.)
*Theoretically, if you were going to commit suicide, how would you do it? Well, I had it worked out that I'd infiltrate NASA and steal one of those little pills they give astronauts to kill them instantly and painlessly. Hey, I was twelve. It sounded like a good plan. It's a good thing I'm a dreamer like that, because otherwise I might not be here today.
*Who are 5 friends you would do anything for? Hmm, probably Lilli, Shelby, Krista, Isaac C., and Leanne.
*If you could change one thing you have done in the last 24 hours, what would it be? I would have been more honest this morning.
*Who can make you smile, no matter what mood you are in? Lilli. One goofy goof.
*During World War II, a woman was forced to choose to take with her to safety
only one of her two children, who consisted of one boy and one girl. if you were
faced with this choice, which would you choose or what would you do? If it was possible I'd let them both go and stay behind, if not I'd sneak away to America with them, where we could start new lives a pizza chefs and leave all of that behind.
*What is the corniest pick up line you have ever heard? Well, if you count that guy that wants to rape me, this morning while I was jogging he said "You don't need to be exercising, you have a great body." so I said "Well, that's a little uncalled for." Yeah.
*Is there someone you can talk to for 12 hrs straight and never get bored? If so who? Is this talking in person? I assume yes, so I'd say Lilli, Isaac, Vicky, Cathy, and Shelby
*Would you ever get plastic surgery? If yes, what would you have surgery on? I wouldn't get plastic surgery.
*What CD is in your CD player right now? The Steel Train CD Andy gave me today.
* Would you ever get a tattoo? If so, what and where? I'd really like to get a tattoo of a music note on my shoulder.
*If you got pregnant when you were really young, like 14, would you have an abortion? No, if I was stupid enough to get pregnant at this age I would feel responsible for living with the consequences.
*Do you feel safe at school? On a scale of 1-10 how safe do you feel? (10 being very safe, 1 being not safe) Um...10...? I don't live in South Mesa anymore, so I'm fine.
*What is the scariest movie you have ever seen? The funniest? I was really scared by A Beautiful Mind. It was an amazing movie though. Oh jeez, I don't think I can answer the funniest. There are too many.
*Have you ever gotten a detention or suspension? If so, for what? I got a detention once in 2nd grade for defiance toward the school uniforms. I'm just cool like that. I'm the reason Rancho Solano schools have "free dress" Mondays. I was quite the liberated young lady.
She came home. She was happy. She saw how hard I worked. She was away at this church thing, and apparently she discovered "the light of god within her"...or something televangelistic like that.
Yeah, so there were some pimps and ho's...pimping and ho-ing around my house last night. Cool. Oh man, that kid Angelo is really funny. He looks a lot like scary spice when wearing the right ensemble.
If Unstable Gene ever becomes a world wide phenomenon, I'm going to turn it into an animated television show. Daniel is doing the voice-over NO MATTER WHAT. "I don't love you anymore Suzanne."
What could be more fun than partial nudity and plastic guns? I don't know either.
Lilli is the best. I was sad after my pimps and ho's left, so Lilli called and we talked until we made even less sense than we usually do. Hi Lilli. You're a good friend, but ACTUALLY, there's one flaw in your story....heh. I really want to say that to N-DOG next week. I twist, no, SQUEEZE those bagels... what a weird kid. I'm glad he brought me back a beer and all...
You know, I'm so lucky to have the friends that I have. From the lovable, oh-so-sexy half-naked ones to the hilarious "click between the stars and press F2, but not the letter F and the number 2, the actual F2 button" ones, I'm just so lucky.
22. Sell my own comic book - this one's in the works, when I finish Unstable Gene I'm thinkin' I'll make bunches of copies and sell it because everyone's in love with him.
17. Kiss a girl - Almost, but I lose on a technicality. I have to do the kissing. WATCH OUT!
31. Tell a deep dark secret - Did it again. I wonder if that gives me double points or something...
51. Be proposed to - I'm pretty sure that happened sometime last week....
and most of all...
35. Trust someone cares about me as much as I care about them - It's not the person I was hoping for, but the fact that I have this kind of relationship with someone is beautiful.
5'4"
120 lbs.
blue eyes
brown hair
good student
refrains from drugs and alcohol
donates money to AIDS research
donates time to a day care
lower middle class family
suburban home
two cars
a mother and three children
food in the fridge
runs errands
argues
fights
cries
works
cares
loves
lives
dies
I am normal.
I am average.
I have everything a person needs.
I did #61 and kissed someone's hand (refer to entry from March 6th "THE LIST")
Also...workin' toward #5 Be silent for an entire week. I did a day...almost (SNACK MACHINE!!!!)
I want to get a move on this list, so maybe I can start writing a new one. Please, feel free to refer back to the list and help with every and any ones you can.
So there's this woman who lives around the corner, a few houses down from us. She's the mother of a nice family, I've watched their kids a few times. Now, thanks to my morning jogs for the past month, I have discovered that she leaves every morning at about 5:15. What I think is that she's leaving to go have hot sweaty sex with her twenty-something Latin lover. After which, she'll take her daily stop by her dealer's place to pick up some mind-altering drugs. Then, I assume she'd toss back a few drinks and proceed home. I don't know what time she gets back exactly, but I know that she takes her kids to school at 7:30 every morning. The way I see things, one person can only get so close to another, because any reality of that person is nothing more than a perception. If that perception is all one has of a person, the rest can either be ignored or created. These are the kind of people I like to create. A loving housewife, who happens to leave early in the morning to ensue in an affair, the purchase of illegal drugs, and alcoholism. It feels like then, maybe these surroundings aren't quite so status-quo.
"You should just chop off her hands! Wait no, because then she'd just hit you with her stubs. You should just chop off her whole arms! Wait, no because then she'd just chase after you like this *puts hands behind back and wiggles around*"
-Sir Steven, about my mother.
This is a conversation between me and this girl I walk home with sometimes:
Her - Wow, it's windy.
Me- Yeah, it's crazy windy.
Her - You know I used to be afraid of twisters
Me - Oh, because this is Kansas and all...
Her - Yeah. and polar bears
Me- You were afraid of polar bears?
Her - yup.
Me - Those fears might be a little more legit elsewhere...
Her- Like...Kansas or or, or, Alaska HA HA HA HA
Me- Um. Yeah.
It sounds like I'm mean to her, but we just joke around. I'm not a mean person, really.
I like myself better in writing.
I say stupid, awkward things when talking.
It's nice to have a little discretion when expressing myself.
I like being eloquent.
I had a sick day today. I really don't feel good.
I actually got to have a sick day though, which was wonderful.
The last time I had the stomach flu, we cleared out and organized the entire garage, so this is such a treat to actually have a day to rest.
Andy is wonderful. To know that I'm not the only one counting the days until May made me so happy. Andy, I see us sitting down, perhaps with a coffee-like beverage, and discussing our opinions about absolutely everything and anything. I know I'd love to hear yours. You are a terrific friend.
To those who don't know yet, my mom is going away next weekend. She's leaving Friday afternoon and returning on Sunday morning. I'm watching the kids, but they go to bed early. I would really like to have friends here. I'd especially like it if someone could stay the night because a little company would be good. Yup, that's all.
The breeze was blowing just enough that I closed my eyes to feel it brush against my face. A degree of serene silence vacantly battled the quiet acoustic melody playing inside my ears. I walked. I walked alone, but not feeling so alone. I felt more company here than I do when I'm with you. It's wonderful though. It's as though my senses molded themselves into a single acute awareness, thus, life as I have never felt it before. Then my voice came out, almost broken and detached from my body. A beautiful voice. Rich. A poverty that once existed where that voice was hidden is suddenly more wealthy than the world. Nothing was good or okay. Yet, nothing was wrong. It's as if I suddenly ceased to exist, but at the same time existed for the first time. Now, nothing feels changed but me. I don't know what else to say, but for once empty words need not fill that space. It's the silence that is a music all its own.
Thanks to Shelby's primo mix CD-ing abilities, I listened to Have You Forgotten? by the Red House Painters on repeat for about an hour and a half today. Nostalgic songs like that always get me in a tizzy because they're so bittersweet. It's painful rememberring how things used to be when people were happy, I felt safe, and problems had easy solutions. It's nice though. It's nice to close my eyes and remember. Remember what it was like to be absolutely sure of who I was, and remember what it was like to have no doubts in love.
I spend my Thursdays dreading Friday, because I know that all day Friday I'll be dreading the weekend. All weekend long I wait for something bad to happen, in between bouts of housework and babysitting. On Sunday, something bad does happen. It never fails. Then I cry and wonder why the hell I'm here in the first place, I scrape pathetically through the rest of the day, and go to bed so grateful that Monday's coming. I get to school on Monday, and everything falls into place again. Unfinished pieces of conversation, meaningless hellos and goodbyes, each body just trying to get though the day. I'm never sure what exactly gets me through the day. It's not the thought of tomorrow, because tomorrow will be just like yesterday. It's a very rare occasion that something happens to break the routine. The few times that's happened recently, just that one change of pace seems to get me through today, tomorrow, and two days after that. I want more. I want change. I want something different and unpredictable so that each day is an adventure rather than an obligation.
I want to live.
Right now all I am is awake. I'm not alive.
My character is a cynical, wisecracking, sarcastic actress, who longs to play the leading lady who falls in love instead of her funny best friend.
Not too much of a stretch, eh? I'm playing myself.
Also there's this boy. He's playing "Tony". He has to kiss me....
He held my hand today, and I felt completely safe with him.
There's probably five people in this entire world I feel completely safe with.
He's one of them.
I worry.
Recently, I worry about him.
I also worry, because I am not good at expressing myself through actions.
I have all the right words, on paper.
I hope it's helped.
He doesn't deserve the negativity.
He deserves better.
That's what I think, at least.
I think it'll be a while before he finds that though.
He continues to seek that happiness, when the quest itself causes him so much grief.
Part of me wishes I could be what he needs.
Part of me wishes I could be the one standing there with open arms, offering love and kindness.
The other part, the bigger half, let's say, wishes that she could be that.
The other part wishes that he will find that in her, that she will find herself, and they will be genuinely happy for as long as they can. The dreamer in me would say for as long as they both shall live, especially since he's convinced that he's dying at the age of 32.
I want him to be happy. I want that so badly.
He keeps trying to find it in her when he needs to find it in himself.
I guess I shouldn't speak words that I have trouble following, eh?
-Also, Vicky is cool...and stuff. She and Shelby and I are going to participate in "THE GREAT EYE SWAP!" -that's what I'm calling it guys. Refer to it as if it's something important...
So I walked to the dry cleaners yesterday, and on my way home I (re)discovered...
Max Feldhake. For those of you who don't know him, reach into the depths of your imagination and envision my complete opposite. A few adjectives: tall, lanky, blonde, homophobic, racist, catholic, conservative, republican. Yeah.
Now, on the surface, we seem like we'd clash more than the titans. Underneath that though, we've been rather well connected throughout the years. We've been connected through our individuality, despite the fact that we came from complete opposite ends of the spectrum.
We stuck out from everybody else. To us it felt like our lives were just a game. The other kids, the school work, our families, it was all just a grotesquely large board game. Now, we interacted on two different levels. There was te level where we conversed and argued, discussed, butted heads, we were basically complete smart-asses. Then there was the mental, unspoken agreement between us that everything was basically just a big joke. We both knew that our personas were simply characters we played. Oh, we played them well. Way back in the day he was the really really smart, really really geeky, really really weird kid, who everyone made fun of (though he never really cared), and who sat down and talked on an adult level with the teachers. I was the little hippie tomboy who was just a little too smart for my own good, who played harmonica and sang blues songs on the playground, and who was absolutely convinced that aliens existed (I succeeded in convincing just about everyone else too). Even back then though, we analyzed and manipulated the social situation into exactly what we wanted it to be.
I saw him for the first time in almost a year riding his bike around the neighborhood yesterday. He stopped and walked his bike alongside me, and we talked for at least a half hour on my way home. NATURALLY, he thinks GSA is stupid, lesbians are scary, I'm an imbecile for crying about the holocaust (he thinks it's interesting...) and Bach is the only music worth listening to. Of course, it was my job to play along, so his plans on going to Germany for college are stupid, his interest in chess is scary, he's an imbecile for supporting Bush (that may be true...), and the only music worth listening to is *insert a few relatively obscure bands he's never heard of here*.
But we exchanged that same old look, the same old omniscent smile.
So this morning my mom was complaining about our family being "financially crippled" as I like to put it. I felt bad. Now I'm not the most religious of people, and I don't exactly pray, but I wished for her. In my head the exact words I wished were "To whom it may concern: I really wish I could help her find what she is looking for." Perhaps I was wishing to a yet-to-be discovered diety, but I was happy with the fact that I put it out there. So we went to the Waffle House for breakfast. I got out of the car. I found a 100 dollar bill lying on the asphalt. One-hundred dollars. Real money too.
I attempted to find who the money belonged to, but there were no cars parked near us and no one inside had lost anything.
I gave her the money.
She looked happy. Genuinely happy.
It's sad that it takes money to make her happy with me, but to see the same sparkle in her eye she used to look at me with made me feel better about myself.
I stole this from Vicky. Yeah..
It would be really really cool if y'all'd do it.
I think there's only 4, maybe 5 people who read this though.
It's still cool.
You can even be selective and answer some but not others.
Mmm hm.
1. What is your first memory of me?
02. How long have we been friends?
03. Tell about one memory we share together?
04. Describe me in four adjectives?
05. If we could spend a day together what would we do?
06. Name one thing you really don't like about me?
07. Name one thing you really do like about me?
08. If you could give me a gift what would it be?
09. Have we ever gotten in a fight & about what?
10. Have we ever hugged?
11. Have we ever kissed?
12. Have we ever danced with each other?
13. Have you ever seen me cry?
14. Have i ever offended you?
15. What is something embarassing that i've done?
16. What do i usually look like when you see me?
17. What do i say all the time\whats my catch phrase?
18. Do you think we will be friends in 5 years?
19. Do you think i am insane?
20. Has there been anything you wanted to tell me, but didn't?
21. What advice would you give me, in general?
22. Wanna make out?
23. Suggest a band / cd for me to listen to?
24. Is there a song that reminds you of me?
So...my mom is suddenly on a health food kick. She bought lots of tofu and soy products on her last trip to the store, and she's proceeded to throw out all of our favorite foods. She apparently believes that we all have an allergy to wheat. Wheat. Because you know it's not like we've been eating multiple wheat products for at least a few years just fine now. So the scrambled tofu with spinach was less than delicious, the rainbow trout that she forgot to take the bones out of was less than less than delicious, and the carob flavored rice milk isn't all that great either (ok, who said we were lactose-intolerant?)
Um, it really sucks. I can do the health food thang up to a point, but I officially think she's gone crazy. As if she wasn't before...
I talked to Laura for two hours today.
Apparently I'm not too crazy. That's good.
A few things were concluded about my life right now. It will probably get worse, but then it will get better. Better is good.
I have a feeling I know who mentioned some of the problems I've been having to Laura.
Thank you. It's quite true that I am not usually one to initiate things, and that initiation on your part has and will do wonders for me. So whoever you are, even if you're not the person I'm thinking of, you're wonderful.
Also, also, I think Shelby is completely ignorant to how brilliant she is.
Also, also, thanks for taking you with me to breakfast. Just little things like that make a world of difference to me. You have no idea.
I am so fucking sick of this. Drying tears from my eyes as the phone rings, answering, trying to keep my voice as steady as I possibly can. I know though, that whoever is unfortunate enough to be on the other line can hear me shaking, trying to sound fine, trying so hard to sound fucking normal. Then I hang up, so reluctantly, for no other reason than the gasping sob welling up inside of me. Then I cry. I crouch down and cry into the carpet, with so much shame you'd think it would rot me from the inside. Crying so hard and so loud until I finally feel so hollow that I'm positive that each inhalation echoes repetitiously. I can't do this anymore. I can't be this anymore. I shine too much and look too good to the real world to feel this empty inside. When I cry, I only feel more empty, more hopeless, more like the world could end tomorrow and I wouldn't give a fuck. It's because each tear reminds me of one more thing I've done wrong, one more day I've screwed up, one more minute I've wasted, one more dream forgotten, one more spiteful word said, one more moment missed, one more accident, one more situation I've been indifferent toward, one more friend gone, one more hateful thought, one more forgotten memory, one more second that I could have done something better, been anything better. I will never be good enough. Never. I will never feel like I am good enough. I will never be anything better than what I am, a pathetic, love-starved piece of shit. Each breath I intake is another block of air wasted. That life should go to someone better. Anyone else.
We all know what will happen though. I will try to push this all aside, and I will put on my happy face for you. I don't know how not to. I will laugh and joke, converse, listen, go about my way so that everything looks fine. That is just a fecade. One of many I use to try to get through the day. One more day closer, to what? That's what I've been trying to figure out.
I suppose my emotions are conflicting the same way my life does.
It would be wonderful, if I could return the friendship that has been offered to me.
Vicky, Felicia, Shelby, Christie, Sheila, Morgan, Leanne, Daniel, Lilli, Andy, heck even Steven, you have all been there for me when I have needed you. Some of you probably have no idea how grateful I am that you are in my life. You all deserve only the best, and although I am not that, I have only love and friendship to offer, and hopefully that will suffice.
Lines
Separate
There's thick and thin
Softer lines
Upon your skin
Beautiful
The ta(i)l(e) of stars
Umbrella
Don't lose your balance it's to far-
-ther than the eye can see
The horizon
That cigarette it bothers me
You know you're dying
Draw the box, the corners open
Lonely lonely lonely
Rope rope rope around your fingers
Hang onto me.
but most of all, I will be fine.
Sure, I will pretend for a while, but I'll be fine. I'll be fine because I'm not alone. I thank you for that. I feel that I am in the debt of all the people who have cared for me so sincerely, and although you may disagree, I will repay you in sincerity, even if it takes the rest of my life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Damn it. Damnitdamnitdamnitdamnit.
It's Monday, 8:10, and I'm home. Surprisingly enough, I'm home against my will.
Yesterday was horrible. There are only a few bruises on the outside, but one too many on the inside. I think she should feel ashamed of some of the things she does and says to me. I would. Just because I am older, and there isn't another adult in the house doesn't mean I should have the responsibility of one. I have lost it all.
The ironic part is, she told me that I should be ashamed of myself. I was. I wasn't ashamed because she told me to be, but because when she can't stand to see my face or hear me speak, neither can I. Some people wonder why I put myself down so often or suffer from a whopping case of low self-esteem. My own mother can't bear to look at me. She tosses and beats me around like some second hand item of no value.
I am ususally quite good at acting the age I am, and enjoying it. Right now though, I would love to be just a few years older. For no other reason than to make her happy. She's told me so many times that it would be easier if I wasn't here, or if I had never been born. I've stopped wishing for death so often, but I really wish I was gone. Then maybe she'd be able to live her life the way she wanted to, untarnished by me.
Wednesday, July 7
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